lol. life

so its been a few weeks since i've written anything. that's ok. i've been busy.

i've been working a lot of hours. i've also been kind of writing a new album. half in my head, half on the acoustic. i think i might call it 'george'. i found a picture of my father riding a bicycle in vermont. i want to use it as the cover. but first i need to record the first cd. seven songs. i'm not entirely in love with 'them tyrants' right now. uhhhhh but if i don't come out with anything else, it'll work. it's not a terrible name.

i'm moving home in about 3 weeks. i have less than two weeks left for work in groton. my last day is may 22nd, and i start at the westfield big y on june 6th. i've got a while in between, and i hope i get to see some people inbetween. have some fun. maybe travel a bit. we'll see. first i need to start packing. which i have.

we need to get rid of stuff in our house. i'm working on getting rid of the 'dorado' tequilla left over from cinco de mayo. which if you ever feel like mixing margharitas and corona, don't

i have these dumb, or seemingly dumb ideas of how to make a lot of money. they could work, if i actually followed through with them. maybe. i have another one in mind for when i move home. i'm going to need a partner. i can't talk about it. i might jinx it.

yep. life is happening all the time. embrace it, and act like a child. terrible advice. i don't care though..

new ages; an end to false connections

don't ask about the title. i have a documentary about 2012 on in the background.

recap: i did a bunch of stuff. it's been a week, so i don't remember the specifics. i worked. we had a party at the apartment. there was a lot of beer pong. I've been working on a new song for about two weeks now. I'm trying to take my time with it. it shall be good. it's all finger-picking, which i enjoy doing.

it's hard for me to get from the essence that i feel inside and hear in my mind into physical space, of course via music but also in all of my different interactions with the outside world. i feel that the simpler i live my life, and the more humble, the closer i get to that inner understanding. i guess that i can hear it better because there is less noise in my life. I'm just trying to tread lightly and give myself time to stop and smell the roses.

beautiful weather

recap:

Friday- worked until 7, then went to see Hoobastank at Mohegan sun with amber, Brittany, and a few others.

Saturday- sat on the computer all day, worked from 4-10. went to bed soon after i think

Sunday- worked 7-12. actually woke up at 7:12, due to the alarm not going off. got to work for 7:22. Worked at the self-check out. had a coffee and bagel for breakfast. went from there, dropped amber off at work and went to practice, where one of tim's friends was filming a mini-documentary for us. did interviews and silly things for the camera. afterward hung out with mark for the first time in a while. chatted and then had dinner with his family. didn't feel well so went home by about 10:30.

Monday- worked 1-7. did my taxes. somehow i owe money. hopefully that gets fixed. found out amber's great grandmother passed away. made dinner, went to bed.

today- just woke up. writing blog.


i'm noit sure if i've wrote about this before, but different seasons my me nostalgic for different points in my life. Fall alwys makes me nostalgic for high school time. Going on band competitions in the crisp air, playing at the football games, being over-dramatic, being a silly rebellious kid.

Winter up until the holidays reminds me of when i was very little, probably around 4 or 5. the way in which the house looked at night with thanksgiving decorations or with Christmas lights. making popcorn and watching star trek TNG on a cold Sunday afternoon in front of the fireplace (though surprisingly, we only used the fireplace a few times. those few times are the moments i remember pretty vividly.)

And right about this time through the summer I'm in the mindset of myself around 1993-1994. riding bikes with nick and Greg down the street, before there was a street finished at the end our road. Building jumps that i could never really get the hang of, and subsequently fall all of the time.

Around this time we would be waiting for the arrival of the illusive Jay. Jay lived with his grandmother who lived next door to us, but he was only there during the summer. There wasn't the type of communication t3exhnology that there is now, so when he left, it was always rather sad, but it was understood that he would probably back. he had a BMX bike too, and he lived in Arizona. better at all of the jumps and stuff than we were. Always had tall tales, that to me nowadays were obviously ridiculous, but t the time seemed as valid as the air.

My nostalgic thoughts are shared with those of hanging out with friends ad also my alone time and time with family. I used to go to east coast marketplace with my mom(it's like an ocean state), and they would have these very odd computer games that would come in a set of four in one package. The games came on 5 1/4 floppy. I think they were about a dollar. And these i would bring home and play. They were the oddest games too. Some were text-based, while had crude graphics. It was a mystery where they came from, and they were very personal to me and my uncle Al and cousin Shannon. no one else had ever heard of them.

I guess the thing that i miss is the simplicity. Granted, it wasn't the 1920s or anything, but technology hadn't evolved to the point where you can get connected to anyone within an instant. We had land lines in our house, few people used the internet for communication yet, and you still got letters from your relatives far away. Though our communication technology was a bit more primitive, i personally feel that i had better social skills when the only way to make friends was to ride your bike around aimlessly until you see a kid that is doing the same thing. I guess you could say there was more mystery. Life was mythical. Rumors held their weight. No one knew the exact truth. Now you can find exact information on everything without having to talk to anyone. And I, a lot of times, take the path of least resistance.

And that is why, I've decided to give it up. I don't know for how long, but I'm not going to use the internet to communicate. People can call me or we can see each other in person. i think that it's enough. I need to get closer to the ground. Back on the surface. I'm living too much in my head, and in 1s and 0s, and less in reality. With the exception of my blog and the cell phone, I'm gonna take myself back to 1993.

see you there.

evening blog.

day's recap:

-woke up at 6:20 on the couch. amber found my phone in my car. set the alarm at 8:30 and slept in bed.

-woke up at 8:30. set alarm for 9:00

-woke up at 9, showered, and walked to work.

-worked 10-7. did very little at work. took an hour lunch and ate at the Chinese place across the street . i am always the only person in there, and the place is great. i can't remember the name though.

-came home, looked at the computer. started writing a blog.


i think i want to start recapping my days in some fashion, either on here or on paper. after 6 months or so, everything seems like a blur. and who knows, maybe some historian will look back on it and use it in a book. i remember reading the big book on Agawam's history, and they had excerpts from some guy's journal. imagine being that guy. of course I'm sure he didn't realize parts of his life would end up in a book. it was strange the way he wrote it. it was kind of like i did. it was all short phrases and just statements about his day. so i'm going to start doing that. probably.

a month from now, i write a blog entry....'so you know how i said i would write a lot?'

I'm funny like that, i seem to go through cycles. every month or so i seem to fall into a groove of doing something. i suppose as long as it's a positive thing, or at least non-life threatening thing and it makes me happy to do it, than it's a good thing.

i was thinking during work today that when you simply go by your instincts and say and do what ever is on your mind, it is you connecting to the universe. your impulses are created from the code behind the scenes, what the universe has in store for you. so i started kind of mumbling to myself for a while. i don't think anyone heard me. and then you think....'is that me deciding to mumble, or is it the instantaneous universal consciousness interception." or was i just mumbling while pushing a broom around the store, trying to look like i am actually trying to clean the floor.

these thoughts may or may not have some actual purpose, but it passes the time while being a porter.

I've been big on thinking about people just being bundles of cells, and the idea that there is no self, just cells, mitochondria, atoms; manipulating and being manipulated by themselves. i mean, i think i exist, but what actually is the I, the am-ness if you will? is it the universal oneness or is it nothingness? or are they both the same? and if they are both the same and nothing is either real or not real, then why do i worry about the problems of the world? is it because my brain is hardwired to do so, or is it a choice in free will? and if my thoughts, my compassion, my basis of existence IS just synapses firing in my brain, than is the entire concept of freewill bullshit?

if you know, just let me know. I'll be the one mumbling to myself.

early morning

it seems that you can be the most honest with yourself right when you wake up. some mornings i wake up feeling blissful, while other mornings i am terrified. Some ideas that i find to be amazing before i go to bed seem very distant and trivial in the morning. The changes can be surprising and unexpected.

i think that, save some horrific event that is unknown to me, i will live a long and fulfilling life. i think that human beings have a much larger ability to adapt for survival that we give ourselves credit for. we can be like cockroaches if we need to be. It is just harder for us to be because we have larger brains, which sometimes is a blessing and at other times can hinder our survival.

I keep having minor bursts of inspiration, like how a song should go, or lyrics that would be perfect for this or that, or entire new concepts that could be good for some type of use. I like these moments and would like them to continue. But they only occur if i do not concentrate on them; rather they skim over my conscious brain and land somewhere in between me knowing about it and it not existing.

priorities, priorites, etc. where to begin. mine alwayws seem to swing between that of a 6 year old at a candy store and a 90 year old buddhist monk. neither of which are very conducive to a decent standard of living. More like a terrible odd-couple-like sit-com. lots of hyphens there. yeah. though i do have some schemes up my sleeve. we'll see how those go.

So this is me, at ten minutes to 6, letting my fingers type and my mind unravel, somewhere between the blunt honesty of early morning and the mundane whitewash of everyday life creeping in. it's like medication. feels nice. just gotta wait for it to kick in. plus a coffee will help.

life happens.

So i've been going to the gym. that's a good thing. i started just over a week ago. i was getting too heavy. I've lost a bit of weight. i just have to keep it up.

I'm in one of my new agey spiritual phases. those ones are pleasant.


I've been working almost full time hours at work, and have been paying my credit card off. nice.

I'm moving back to western mass with amber. I'm gonna find a job and work on finishing an album by the end other summer. I'm pretty happy.

Things are good.

As soon as spring gets here, i'll be even better.

the zen of george carlin.

The man had given up hope on society. That just leaves a liberated individual.

Isolato

I have a lot of secrets. It is what i would call a character flaw.

I've heard that a true test of someone's integrity is how someone acts and what they choose to spend their time doing by themselves. If so, it would be conservative to say that my integrity is lacking.

I've never been able to just be myself around people i don't know too well. I guess i learned how to act around other people over the years. I still have a lot of trouble with social cues. So much so that i wonder is there is some underlying psychological reasoning. Sometimes i know i'm boring someone and i can't stop talking. I do this to Amber a lot.

At this point in my life, to completely be honest about my feelings and about different aspects of my life would destroy me. I probably wouldn't survive.

Society is based in whitewashing yourself. No one wants to hear anything about your bullshit problems. When thy ask you how are you, they don't want an answer. And to be honest with most people i usually want to as well. I'm shut off, and i feel like it's starting to affect my well being.


Maybe i would rather be a liberated pariah than a isolated smiling man.

2010 part one

a new year. meh.

could you imaging i haven't kept fully any of those resolutions. at least i have stayed consistent.

i've been working more hours and i have been doing porter work. that's correct, i've been promoted from cashier to janitor. amazing. it's not bad though, it is more hours. and essentially less work. i'm also getting my student loans lowered which will give me more money to work with. so that situation is a bit better.

we had a Marx practice last Saturday. 1974 is playing a show on Saturday in white plains and Marx is playing a show on Monday in Danbury at the old empress. i haven't felt this happy in a long time.

I'm learning what it is that makes me happy. that is friends. it's like a tribe of people. both Marx and 1974 to me feel like family. like i am part of something. the music i play in 1974 is the best that i have been a part of writing, and Marx's music is amazing as well. i also have the best time with both in terms of artistic fulfillment and fun. everything else pales in comparison to the connections you make with other people. i feel like i've forgotten that over the years.

this is a good time in my life. i feel at peace and free.

Final Draft (I think)

Completely detox for a month or so. (no drinking, drugs, tobacco)


Completely give up tobacco products(ouch.)



Drink less. When i am drinking, also drink less.


Make enough money not just to get by. (hah. sounds easy.)


complete one song a day (wow.)


record at least 2 albums.


Go on a rather long trip. (either a tour or a road trip. hopefully a tour.)


Read a book every two weeks.


Stop eating meat. (I'll miss wings the most.)


Eat a healthy diet. No exceptions. (I've eaten like shit for long enough, i can bear being healthy for a year.)


Go to the gym, get in shape. (The classic new year's resolution. Get on to a plan that will get me the results i want.)


Only buy things like clothes, furniture, etc. second hand. (goodwill, salvation army, tag sales)


Necessary new products, purchase them ethically. (if possible buy from locally owned stores, try to bring shopping at big box stores to a minimum)


Become more politically active outside of my recliner.


Stay in closer Contact with people. (sorry.)


Stick to my principles, always.







I'm biting off more than i can chew. It's kind of my thing.

notes nearing the end of the decade.

Well, all i can say is that this decade was much like a lot of decades. In most individual's lives, they grew, did things, had ups and downs etc. On a larger scale, it blew and was full of misery. Maybe there was some type of social progress, but i can't think of any right now. Some places legalized gay marriage. that's a good thing.

The thing I'm realizing more and more is that there isn't a rewind button in life. It just keeps moving forward. You won't ever be younger and you never stay the same age. I'm never going to be a teenager or a child again. It sounds like an obvious thing, but somehow my mind has trouble with it. My mind has a habit of living in a different place than me.

Another thing i have noticed over the last decade is that the majority of people don't give a shit about music, much less my music. I am happy with my music and it isnt a matter of confidence in my craft. It's just an observation. You might as well write what you feel and write whatever you want to. Search for that personal connection with an audience that understands you, not the other way around.

I am relatively happy, in my semi-melancholy way. I'm rather at peace. As i get older i understand why older people always looked so angry to me when i was younger. I'm not that guy, i just am sometimes.

Resolutions

Eat Healthy.

Go to the gym.

Write a song every day.

Get a band started.

Go vegetarian.

Get involved as an activist.

Make mad loot.

Following my life guidelines (in an earlier post)


I'll be adding more to this most likely. It's all a work in progress.

It's always important than after you learn and decide something, you let it sink in to your true self. Everyone needs to stop being an anything-ist. See and experience.

There is no authority but yourself.

I watched a documentary on the band Crass recently. They seemed to be some of the most free thinking pissed off individuals i've ever heard of. The ideas that they support are ones that have meant a lot to me in recent years.

As humans, we like to put things into categories. To give things names. Countries, states, cities, streets, political parties and ideologies, people; All put neatly together, so we can say "I like it.", or "I don't like it."

It's all bullshit.

They do nothing for anyone or anything. Ideas are the only truth. Our individual thoughts communicated to the word through words or music or fighting is hard enough. To get it out there. To have other people experience a slice of that idea. And there comes the label, the category, the dichotomy, the polarization. Fuck that. Stop thinking so damn much and just experience. Just. Do. Things.

I had a conversation with a friend once and we realized that art is like crying. You can relate and understand the pain, but never through their filter.

So next time you're bored. stop traffic by sitting naked in the intersection. They don't got shit on you. Just sit there and fucking meditate. This is your experience. You're the one crying. And no one will ever get it.

snowyness

it snowed a lot last night.

i woke up at 5:30 in the morning to find my car covered by a 4 foot tall snow drift. I got to work. My shovel broke. I think it snowed about 18 inches. Typically on the coast, we get less snow or no snow at all. In this storm, it was pretty much the opposite. I got to work a half hour early and chatted a bit with Mark, the porter. Starbucks and dunkin donuts were closed, so i went across the street to find coffee at the citgo station. caffeine is caffeine.

it was really slow. I put the sunday papers, and a stayed a bit longer because not many people showed up to work. now i'm home ,but i don't feel like doing much. maybe i'll write some. I kinda want to write a song a day. see if that helps me get my ass in gear in terms of writing. we'll see.


I wrote this the other day. just jotting down notes on band promotion. i write notes on everything.


Keys to successful band

1. good original music
2. practice: having a tight band
3. playing as many shows as possible
4. having a good internet presence and good recordings for after the shows.
5. Having appealing visual art and graphics.


strategy for band

1. write music

2. record demo

3. set up Myspace. add 300 people a day from local area

4. Set up Facebook, Purevolume, last.fm and ilike

5. Find message boards for local artists; join them and become a

regular.

6. Frequent local shows of artists like you. Flyer and talk to people.

Maybe give out free CDs.

7. After 4-6 months of this promotion. start playing shows in this area

as much as possible. flyer and get people to sign up for your mailing

list.

8. Once there is a decent following, only play in the area every 1-2

months, repeat the same promotion steps for a new area.

9. once areas you want to reach aren't easily reachable on the

regular, start setting up small tours.



I mean it's not perfect, but if you're starting off in terms of band promotion, it's a good start.



Here's my list for life.


1. Honesty
-being honest with myself.
-being honest about what i do and do not know.
-being open and honest with others


2. Integrity
-Keeping promises and obligations to the best of my ability.





*utility
-using your time to accomplish constructive goals.
-using positive and negative emotion as fuel for achieving goals.


*tension and release; mainly hedonistic non-productive activity.

-the more you do something, the less satisfying it is;the opposite is true for the less you do something.


*avoiding divisiveness.
-labeling groups, relationships, individuals.
-avoiding assumptions


*avoiding coercion
-becoming a leader by example.
-respecting other people enough to let them live their own life
-only step in if coercion is warranted, which is a limited basis.
-not allowing myself to be coerced by others


*there is no 100% proof of anything.


It's a much more practical set of guidelines than i usually make, but put to the test it can be extraordinary. Enjoy.

it's raining. again.

I'm pretty sure that groton is the only place in New England to constantly get rain, while everyone else has seen snow. I at least would like to see a little bit.

Saturday i worked from 10 until 2 and then went up to newington to practice. One of the main issues with practicing on saturdays as opposed to sunday is that liquor stores are closed on sunday. hah. i still enjoyed myself, and practiced some covers. I guess we may be playing at a bar in hamden sometime in late January. I'll keep everyone posted.

Today i worked from 7:30 until 1:30 this morning. I was exhausted and not in the best mood. Customers were really getting to me. Amber kept waking me up and telling me i had to get up for work. At 3AM. I started second guessing myself during night and responded with asking what time it was every 1/2 hour or so. I have no idea why.

I got out of work, passed out for a while, and then sat on the computer until now. It's 8pm now. The time stamp on my blog is wrong. I haven't figured out how to change it yet. I'm still working on music promotion online. I need to figure out a strategy. I need to become more active. I need to eat healthier. I need to do a lot of things. I'll get there. I hope.

nearing solstice.

Yesterday i had the day off, but i still woke up at 6:15. I half of the day doing music promotion online, and the other half cleaning my apartment. Today i worked from 7-1 and I've been doing the same thing sense. Promoting music online has always given me a sense of accomplishment, but a deeper type of accomplishment. It feels like it is what i should be doing.
It's really a difficult thing to live in the present, and not without fear. Fear only exists from outside of the present. You can see yourself accomplishing goals and fufilling your life's ambitions, but then you don't. Mainly the reason is that you need to do something else, to hedge yourself from some possible tragedy 30 years in the future. Usually the responsible the thing to do is the one that makes you feel safe, not the one that allows you to live, love or create. I feel that is a modern tragedy.
So i sit online, i think of ways to make money to travel around the country and sing to people, regardless of what they think of the idea. And maybe, just maybe, I'll win them over. But for now, i just write.

Rainy and cold.

It is a very rainy and cold day. I guess we have a flash flood warning down here.

I worked 7-11 this morning. If you're going to get me up at 6AM, please give me more than 4 hours. Thanks. Amber took thecar because she had to work 10-2. I had brought my umbrella prepared to walk home, but Brittany picked me up, which was great.

I was searching around on the internet, and i stumbled across this :

http://janetrenoburger.livejournal.com/

I had a livejournal. I forgot i had a livejournal.

I posted in it from May-October 2004. This goes along with my not-sticking-to-things-ness. It's really interesting to read, and it's almost embarrassing how open i was to the world about myself. Compared to then i am so much more guarded. Its gotten me to think about what has changed. I honestly don't know. I wish i could be that open again. I guess i just saw it to be not socially acceptable. I didn't want to be vulnerable, or at least be honest with being vulnerable. Maybe i thought that that's not how a male should act. Maybe i just lost myself somewhere along the way. Either way, I'm happy i found this.


For all of you out there embracing the cold and the shitty weather, don't fret; it will get better.

some thoughts on religion

I just finished watching the first half of the god delusion. its an interesting movie written and starring a devout atheist.

I've never been able to categorically call myself an atheist. Tops i am a defacto-atheist. I feel that it is entirely possible that there are parts of existance that are beyond our perception, but the fact that they are beyond our perception means that we should focus on what we can see to be real and spend less time speculating about what maybe outside the realm of our understanding. I can understand the romanticism of it, and i sometimes think what could be out there that i can't percieve. But i realize what not being able to percieve it means, and within a few minutes i move on.

excuse the punctuation, rambing and mis-spellings. i have gotten into the carlo rossi.

in terms of my religious experiences, i was brought up roman catholic. i went to st. theresa's in good old north agawam. my mom and grandparents went to this church, and so it was a family tradition. it has since closed like many catholic churches, and i'm guessing some type of russian church will take it over. so it goes. thank you kurt vonnegut. i will foreve use that term now.

i think i stopped truly believing in god when i stopped believing in the easter bunny and santa claus. i remember in second-grade ccd they thought i would end up being a priest. hah.

i kind of had a born-again era when i was 15, shortly after my father passed away. i ended up going to a catholic youth retreat when in the summer of 2001 in attleboro. there was a shrine there. and tents. and a lot of kind of inspirational music. i remember feeling very holy after that. i think i even brought home a bible and started reading it. i remember there was this deacon on the trip. A nice fellow with a moustache that was trying to help me out with my confusion. i remember talking to him on the bus ride home. i remembered talking to him about my doubts about the existance of a god. but i remember the comradery(not spelled right). i think that is what i got out of it. it felt like i was a part of something. plus there were a decent amount of girls on the trip that were gorgeous. and i was 15.

i would have to say the feeling of being close to god lasted about 3 weeks. then i started my first punk band. so it goes.

i kind of had a revalation when i moved back home last fall. i had watched a series of videos that made me feel a certain way about the world. the feeling lasted about a month. a lot of my consistancy lasts about a month. though the resonance of that experience has stayed with me.

in terms of the movie, the main idea i got out of watching that movie is that the main problem in the world is ignorance, both voluntary and involuntary. like i said earlier, there may be things outside of our ability to sense or understand, but these things should not trump things that we can see actually exist. I feel uncomfortable electnig leaders that believe in fundamentalist christianity. I believe that a decent amount of the presidents in the past have faked being overly christian because it is the only way to get elected.

Clinton was probably as religious as i am, and reagan probably didnt remember his own name but had charisma. That being said i dont feel comfortable having politicians believing that god talks to them, or that the world is 10,000 years old, or that it prophesy that there will be a last large war. the latter scares me the most.

blog blog blog.

so i have a blog now. i'm not sure why. the Facebook notes just werent doing it for me.

I am still in Groton, at the big Y. it is awesome.

I just finished reading Slaughterhouse Five. It was good.

I'm not very talkative right now.

Bye.